


Little Wild Rose

by HiiragiTsubomi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-09 23:14:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5559419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiiragiTsubomi/pseuds/HiiragiTsubomi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata Shōyō doesn't shine anymore. Suicide. He had to watch it all over again, and again, and again. How is father was run over by a train already more than six years ago. Six years, but some scars won’t ever leave. Shōyō is still struggling with the aftermath of his father’s dead. Just pretending to be the sun is not going to work forever, but telling everybody isn’t an easy feat either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work is a rewrite from my one of previous pieces, Dying Inside. After rereading it several times, I came to the conclusion it sucked and that I could do it better than before. So I'm here to prove myself. I deleted Dying Inside on AO3, but if you really want to read it, you can find it on FanFiction.net.  
> I'd say enjoy yourself, but there's not a lot to enjoy when you consider the theme of the story. It's pretty dark and all… It can contain come triggers, but that depends on how you take the story.

_I'm alone._

_I'm so alone._

_Will there be someone?_

_Someone I can hold?_

_Someone who can hold me?_

_Someone?_

_I'm alone._

_I'm so alone._

_It hurts._

物語

He glanced down to his feet and stared at his hands, they were blurry, and he couldn't read the sign of the convenience store just now. Odd. He sniffed and glanced up at the sky. It was snowing. He felt it all over his body, the snow. Thick, white snowflakes twirled down from heaven and melted as soon as they touched his skin. It was nice. It was night, and a single poppy flower bloomed.

Suddenly, a strong wind from the east. Snow flared up into his eyes, and when he opened them, there was a man standing in the front of him. He looked familiar with his red hair and brown eyes. He looked familiar in the green coat he was wearing. He looked familiar in those pants and in those shoes. He knew this man, this man was his father.

Another strong wind, but this time it came from the south-west and he closed his eyes to protect them for flying dust. When he opened his eyes again, the man, his father was running ahead of him. He followed him, but the man ran to fast. He panted as he tried to catch up with his father. Sweat dripped from his face, pricking in his eyes and making his clothes stick to his body. He realized he was wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. It wasn't cold though, despite running barefeeted through the snow, he was hot instead.

A lightning-bolt and thunder. he froze on spot. Running was impossible, his feet refused to move. The clouds were gone and it stopped snowing as the sun started to raise from the East, but as soon as the sun touched the sky, heaven coloured crimson red. The man, his father, was gone, and it was dark again.

A black cat with the bluest eyes was sitting at the corner of the street, meowing. When he blinked, it was gone. Instead of the cat, was now a small boy sitting in the front of him. A small boy with thin shoulders and red hair. He was dressed in a blue coat and brown pants. His boots were muddy and to big for his tiny feet. he knew this boy, but he didn't recognize his face. He had seen him often enough to know who he was.

The boy, the boy who was him. He was screaming in terror, but his voice made no sound. Perhaps because it was drowned in the sound of the railway crossing bells, or perhaps because his ears had finally failed him. Yet he could hear it loud and clear. The sound of a train approaching.

The boy, the boy who was him, suddenly had a voice.

He, the one who was standing next to the child, suddenly understood what was going to happen. When he looked up, he saw the man, he saw his father standing on the railway crossing. The train was approaching. The train was coming closer and closer. The train was there. Closer.

Despair, pain, terror, and panic. He felt the familiar sensation flow through his body as the familiar scene played again. He knew what was going to happen.

The image flashed from besides the tracks, to on the tracks. He was standing next to the man, his father, facing the approaching train. It was coming closer, closer and closer. It was already here. He closed his eyes, ready to be hit, ready to finally die. But just when the fatal blow was delivered, the scene flashed again.

He was standing next to the track again, next to the boy, the boy who was him.

“Papa!” the boy, the boy who was him, shouted, “Papa!”

Together we watched. Together they saw and together they witnessed the scene that haunted Shōyō forever. Blood covered their clothes. Their father was dead.

“PAPA!”

物語

Something dropped on the floor and Shōyō shoot up at full speed, gasping for air. It was just a dream. Just a dream, just a dream, he chanted to himself, just a dream.

_Just a dream, but how much of it did actually happen?_

Just a dream, a bad dream. A nightmare, stuff like that didn't happen in real life.

_Keep deceiving yourself, boy._

Shōyō glanced down to the duvet and his bedsheets. They were completely drenched in sweat. He quietly apologized to his mother, she would have to wash an extra wash again. The redhead sighed and rubbed his face. His cheeks were also wet, a mix of sweat and tears. Great. That stupid nightmare, that stupid reality. Ever since that day, that accident, the same scene would repeat itself over and over again in Shōyō's dreams. He didn't remember having a good dream. And if he wasn't dreaming, his night would be more or less empty. There was no such thing as rest. But usually there were nightmares.

Shōyō sighed and fell back in his bed. His eyes searched for the alarm clock, but couldn't find it. Then he remembered the loud thud that occurred when he just woke up from his dream. He rolled over and reached for his alarm clock at the ground. He found it and read 5:30 AM. Well, at least those nightmares made sure he never overslept. He threw the duvet on the ground and climbed out of bed. He stumbled out of his room into the corridor, into the bathroom. He had to hurry up and race to morning practice, or otherwise the King would flip and scold him. Perhaps that was the only thing worse than a nightmare.

_Oh, who are you kidding._

Yeah, Shōyō knew it was a lie too.

He reached for the switch and turned on the light. He didn't dare to look at his own reflection as he turned on the cold tap of the faucet. He quickly stuck his head underneath the waterjet. The water was cold, icy cold, and he let it spray so hard that it ricocheted from the back of his head. So hard, that it stung like a thousand of needles. Good, it kind of felt like he deserved that. Besides, now he could finally cool of a bit, since he was still steaming from the vivid dream.

As soon as Shōyō heard the water boiler in the kitchen, he quickly turned the tap off. Otherwise he would have to listen to his mother complaining about the water bill of this month. He bend backwards, until he was standing up straight again, facing himself in the mirror.

_Who are you?_

Whenever he saw his own reflection, he saw a face of someone foreign to him. A face he had never seen before in his entire life. Shōyō didn't quite know what to expect either, but he was pretty sure he didn't expect somebody with dark bags under their brown eyes. Brown eyes that had long lost their shimmer. He knew it was him, but it didn't feel like him at all. But who else was that reflection supposed to be?

There was no way anyone would believe he was alright in this state. Shōyō's hands quickly reached for the cabinet behind the mirror and fetched a transparent, orange container with a white lid from the upper shelves–antidepressants–filled for the helft with white pills. He took two and swallowed them away without water, before returning to his bedroom. He quickly dressed in his black uniform, but without the blazer because the weather was slowly getting better.

_Unlike your mood!_

Ha. Ha. Funny.

“Shōyō!” his mother called from the kitchen, “Shōyō are you up? Hurry up for breakfast, or you'll be late for morning practice!”

“Yes!” he called back, “I'm coming.” and he quickly grabbed the bag from his desk chair and rushed to the living/kitchen/dining room. Before he left the room, his eyes caught the weekend bag in the corner of his room. Right, the two day training-camp was this weekend. Shōyō shook his head and continued walking. His mother was standing behind the counter, filling two bowls with hot steaming rice and cracking a raw egg in each.

The small woman greeted him with her sweet and casual smile, “Good morning sweetheart,” she said with her soft and loving voice, “did you sleep well?”

Shōyō just nodded and sat down on his chair, “Yeah… slept fine…” he answered softly. He could at least try and make someone else believe he was OK. Not that his mother was going to buy it anyway, she was a smart woman after all.

Hinata Mako was a small woman in her late thirties. She had shoulder length, messy dark hair with bangs at the sides. Her eyes had the same amber shade as the brown eyes of her son, but her eyes were more _alive_ to put it that way. Shōyō envied her.

“Make sure not to overwork yourself.” mother continued as she brought the bowls up to the dining table, “We don't want you in another dip.” and she ruffled his hair as she sat down on her own chair.

Shōyō dumped the soy-sauce over his rice. His mother never choose her words with care, never. She was honest and a bit blunt, but that's what was so nice about her. At least he didn't need to worry about her lying to him. She'd always say the truth right in his face, even if it was hard.

“Dun worry mom.” he decided to answer after a couple of seconds, “I'll be fine. Besides, I still got to worry about my studies and stuff. I ain't gonna slip down!” and he gave his best shot at pretending.

“Do you even know what studying is?” his mother asked with a playful grin on her face.

“Hush!” Shōyō hissed, “Of course I know what it is!” he said offended, “I'm just not very good at it.” he added softly.

His mother laughed. Shōyō had always been especially childish for his age, but it had changed when his father died in a suicide action. The young boy grew a depression and became dull. It had been painful to see him like that, but when he went into therapy and got his medicine a lot of things changed. He wasn't as dull anymore and his old personality seemed to have returned, just bits of it, but it was back. Though there were times that Shōyō would return to the doll-like child he had been before.

“Ah, I see.” she said as she carefully grabbed her steaming cup of tea and took a sip, “Shouldn't you hurry, Shōyō?” she asked.

He looked up to the clock. 6:15 AM, it read. Shit, he was going to be late if he didn't hurry up. He quickly shoved the remaining rice with egg in his mouth and hurried back to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

“Can you wake up Nattchan for me?” mom called from the kitchen.

“Yessir!” he called back.

He moved to Natsu's room, brushing his teeth when he shoved her door open, “Nawu, 'ake ub.” was the closest he could manage to _"Natsu, wake up."_ with a toothbrush in my mouth. Not successful at speech, but successful at giving Natsu a fright to make sure she wouldn't go back to sleep when he left her room.

Shōyō ran back to the bathroom and spat out foam. He had a habit of not rinse my mouth afterwards because he liked the minty taste of toothpaste and he was too lazy to fetch a piece of gum out of the drawer in the kitchen. The kitchen wasn't on the route to the front door.

Shōyō placed his toothbrush in the polka dotted glass on the cabinet and sprinted to the hallway. He fetched his keys out of the small box near the front door and unlocked the door, ready to leave, when his mother held him back with her voice.

“Aren't ya forgetting somethin'?” she called.

Shōyō turned around to see her standing in the kitchen door, holding his white bag up in her left hand.

Oh, right. Haha. He quickly ran back, grabbed his bag and rushed back to the front door.

“I'm off!” Shōyō shouted and he closed the door behind him.

 _You should be a little bit more grateful to your mom, Sh_ ōyō.

Oh, you're using my name now?

物語

“Oi.” it was the familiar sound of Kageyama's scolding voice that somehow managed to calm Shōyō down a bit, even if he sounded a bit pissed off,  “You're late. Did something happen on your way to school.”

He threw his bag on the floor of the clubroom and started to underdress himself. He was late, way too late. Five minutes to be exact and everybody had already left to the gym. Except for Kageyama, and Shōyō wasn't going to tell him the reason why he was late. He didn't want to do that.

“Hey, I asked something.” Kageyama demanded, “Did something happen? It's not like you to be late.”

Shōyō snorted, “'s not like you to be concerned over someone else.” he shoot back.

For a second it looked like Kageyama was going to hit him and Shōyō braced himself for that by covering his head with his hands, but when the hit didn't come, he slowly turned around to the taller boy.

“What's wrong, Kageyama-san?” he tried carefully.

Kageyama sighed and sat down on a chair, “Nothing.” he said, “Just wondering.”

Shōyō said nothing, but eventually decided to answer his question anyway. Even if that answer was a lie, perhaps Kageyama would get of his case, “I just overslept.” he said, “That's all there is to it.”

Kageyama frowned, not actually buying the answer, but he kept his mouth shut anyway. It was better that way. Quieter. But knowing Kageyama, he was going get back on this subject and well at this instant.

“Lame excuse.” he found, “You always try to beat me, how on earth did you oversleep? That ain't you.”

“This ain't you either.” Shōyō shoot back, “Besides, why'd you wait for me? Don't you gotta warm up as well?”

“I didn't wait for you!” the ravenhead denied with a red flushed face, “I thought it was just nice to lock up for my seniors! That includes that I had to wait for the latecomers too!” and the boy crossed his arms, pouting a bit. They were the only two left in the clubroom, the rest had already left for practice, but Shōyō couldn't help but feel a little flattered.

“Were you worried, Kageyama-san?” he asked mockingly, but with a wide grin on his face as he walked towards the door, “I can't believe you!”

“I… I wasn't!” Kageyama denied once again, face redder than before. The King couldn't handle a bit of embarrassment and Shōyō found it hilarious. It was one of the few things that were truly enjoyable, bullying Kageyama a bit.

Shōyō laughed, “Don't mind, don't mind.” he sang, “Let's just go to the gym before they'll scold us.” and he was already making his way down the stairs.

“Scold you, you mean.” Kageyama huffed and he followed the smaller boy, “I was in time.”

“Sure, sure.” and he waved Kageyama's words away, “Just lock up, otherwise they'll scold you anyway.”

Kageyama blinked, muttered something along the lines of _shit_ , ran back up the stairs to the clubroom. He locked the door and ran back, next to Shōyō.

“Now they'll only scold you.” he said with a smirk.

Shōyō didn't answer and continued walking. What was he supposed to say on that anyway? He couldn't really think of a fitting answer. But maybe he didn't need to answer, maybe acting was enough. He grinned to himself, then to Kageyama and started to sprint.

“Hey, dumbass!” Kageyama shouted behind him, “That's playing dirty!” but the setter was quick to catch up with the decoy.

Shōyō laughed. He usually faked his mood into a cheerful one. He usually wore a mask to conceal what was behind it, but there were moments like this one in which he truly felt happy. He hadn't felt this warm and soft feeling in his stomach for a long time, and it was nice.

When Kageyama opened the door of the gym with a rattling sound, ten past seven in the morning, the rest of the team had already set up the nets. Nishinoya-san had already found his way to the balls and was no receiving Tanaka-san's spikes, set by Sugawara-san. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were already doing stretch exercises along with the rest of the team. They looked preoccupied with the tasks they were doing, yet they all glanced up when they heard the door closing.

“Sorry I'm late!" Shōyō's voice echoed through the space. He was probably gonna get scolded on, like Kageyama said it would happen, but that didn't happen. Instead, Sawamura-san ordered the team to continue what they were doing and walked up to the duo.

“Ah, Hinata!” Suga-san smiled while he patted Shōyō's shoulder, “You're here. Thanks for waiting for him, Kageyama.” he added with a smile towards the other setter.

“It's not like you to be late.” Daichi-san said concerned, “You alright?”

Ah, there you had it again. The forever concern. It was annoying.

Shōyō nodded. He had expected the concern of his seniors, yet he expected to be scolded at first. It was odd, Daichi-san would have been so mad at any other occasion so why not now? Perhaps they knew more than they let on. Not that Shōyō cared. He had no intention of telling his seniors what the hell was going on, why would they even care? Besides, they would never allow him to play again if they knew. That was the last thing he wanted to happen.

“I'm fine.” Shōyō lied, “I just overslept.” he added honestly.

Daichi-san shrugged, “Well… anyway, just go warm yourselves up with the others.” he ordered, “We're gonna start with receiving today.”

He patted their shoulders before he walked off to the court, to the rest of the team, followed by Sugawara-san. The latter shoot a glance over his shoulder, and Shōyō swore he saw some doubt in the eyes of the older setter, although it was gone before he could even register what happened.

_Don't overwork yourself~_

He swallowed and followed his upperclassman to the court. He could feel Kageyama's gaze sting in his back, clearly not convinced by this whole act. Shōyō did not miss the soft _dumbass_ call behind him and he smiled to himself. Maybe someone did care?

Practice was a mess, a rather unusual mess. Shōyō wasn't able to spike all of Kageyama's tosses and the latter was more irritated than usual, much more. After a while, Daichi just forced Kageyama to practice with someone else instead. He had apparently noticed that Shōyō would lose it sooner or later and assigned Sugawara to practice with the redhead. Yet it didn't seem to help.

In the end, they just ordered Shōyō to sit down at the side of the court and rest. It wasn't going to work like this and he knew it more than anyone else in the building. He didn't even complain when he was sent of the court.

Shōyō wondered what it was like, to smile with a honest smile. A smile that wasn't affected by pills, one that wasn't forced to look good. He couldn't even remember the last time he smiled a smile like that, though the chance was big he smiled like that today. He just didn't remember and it was frightening.

The day after his father's suicide had been horrible. Shōyō remembered how his mother cried while holding Natsu close, the little girl wasn't even a year old. He remembered crying in his bed, his mother's soothing hand stroking his his hair. He remembered his family coming over for the funeral, most of them he had never seen before. Suddenly everyone felt sorry for them, suddenly everyone lived with them, but it all felt like a big lie.

After the funeral, Shōyō's mind had turned into a haze. Fog hanging everywhere, making it impossible for him to think clearly. He barely remembered anything from the period afterwards. He remembered throwing up on the toilet over and over again after being reminded of all the blood he saw. When he came back to his senses, he was already thirteen and diagnosed with depression.

That's when he saw the footage of the Small Giant at the nationals. Shōyō took the opportunity and completely threw himself onto volleyball, thinking of nothing else. Finally, he had found something that could cancel those thoughts of suicide. It was something that crossed his mind more than once, but he refused to die. Not as long as he had Natsu and his mother to live for.

And then Kageyama Tobio, the King of the Court, entered the scene. A typical name of a villain he had, but the setter had been a light to Shōyō. Finally someone who he wished to surpass, defeat. Someone he'd meet at national level again, but to beat him Shōyō needed to become stronger. Not just physically, but also mentally.

物語

Shōyō blinked, one, two, three times. His breathing was out of pace, and he finally noticed that. Odd… his neck tingled with an unpleasant feeling as sweat dripped down his collar into his shirt. It wasn't hot in the classroom though, even the windows were opened. His stomach turned around every time his name was called, and he wished he could just throw up. His nerves were getting him, killing him. More sweat dropped from his face and the tears stung behind his eyes. He quickly wiped them away, only to get more sweat in his eyes. He needed to get away. He needed to cry.

Shōyō glanced around. Everyone was scribblings down the calculus notes down while the teacher explained how to work with a unit circle, or something like that. Shōyō didn't understand, neither did he really care. He just wanted to get away.

“Miss…?” he began and he rose his hand. Had interrupted the teacher in the middle of her sentence, but she didn't seem to mind as soon as their eyes met, “Can I go use the restroom?”

And without waiting for a reply, he stumbled towards the door while bumping into a desk or two. As soon as he reached the door, he didn't turn around to hear his teacher call behind him, he just sprinted away to the boy's bathroom. Hopefully it was empty.

The tears already dripped down his face as he reached an empty stall. He quickly opened it and went inside, not hesitating to lock himself up. Shōyō came to the conclusion nobody would hear him anyway. It was during class after all, and most teachers didn't allow their students to leave during class.

“…fuck…” the words slipped over his tongue before he even realized it, “Fuck! Fuck!”

He couldn't stop the tears anymore. The salty liquid slid across his cheek and dripped off his chin, then on the floor of the stall. There was no stopping it. The tears wouldn't stop coming.

_Crying will make you feel better, just like the therapist said._

Bullshit.

Shōyō felt like crap.

物語

It had taken about ten minutes for Shōyō to get himself under control again. He slowly he walked back to the classroom, trying to find an excuse for his weird behavior. When he told the teacher his stomach was just upset because he ate something wrong earlier that day, she glanced at him worriedly. She knew more, Shōyō realized later. It didn't really bug him though, she wouldn't do anything, she wouldn't tell anyone what happened. Nobody did really help in the end. Besides, his mother had informed the school about his situation, so every teacher knew. Even Takeda-sensei.

“Hinata?” a voice suddenly called behind him. A shiver ran down Shōyō's spine and he quickly turned around, only to find Sugawara-san standing behind him with a friendly smile.

“Did I startle you?”

Shōyō laughed, “Yes you did.”

“Sorry about that.” Sugawara replied,  “But I just wanted to know if you felt alright?”

He didn't hesitate to answer, “I'm fine!” he beamed.

_No, you're not._

“I was just a little tired back then, you got nothin' to worry about Sugawara-san!” he quickly added.

_All lies._

Sugawara nodded 'yes', but his eyes said 'no'. He did not believe Shōyō and he had the same look as Kageyama had earlier that day. They did not believe him, and Sugawara's next words only confirmed that.

“Are you sure?” the senior asked while he placed a comforting hand on Shōyō's shoulder, “You still look a little pale. You looked pretty stressed out this morning, I don't think it's a good idea to practice this afternoon. Perhaps you should just go home, Daichi thinks so too.”

Shōyō's jaw dropped and his eyes widened, “But I said I was–”

Then why on earth did they ask if he was alright?! If they already planned to tell him this, then why?!

“Like I said,” Sugawara continued, “Daichi and I already conversed about this. You're not gonna be on the court today.”

It felt like those words were supposed to hit him in the face like a volleyball, or maybe even a basketball. These words were supposed to feel like he was getting hit with a motherfucking wreckingball. These words were supposed to make him feel misjudged, but somehow, it didn't feel like that at all. To his surprise, Shōyō found himself agreeing with the vice-captain.

Perhaps, for just a day, he'd let himself calm down for abit. Maybe, for a day, he would allow himself to take of that mask. Maybe, but probably not.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a mild panic attack in this chapter!

_ “You know, it's like I'm walking behind people.” _

“No, no I don't know.”

_ “You're tripping, you're falling, you're bleeding. You reach out for them to help you, but they don't turn around. You scream for them to help you, but they don't turn around. You scream over and over again, but you're voiceless. Nobody can hear you except for youself. No matter how loud you scream, nobody will ever hear you.” _

物語

Hinata Shōyō was acting weird, and everyone on the volleyball team had noticed by now. It had taken a while, but everyone knew it, something was terribly wrong with their ball of sunshine. Every time someone asked him if he was alright, he'd always answer with a 'yes' and then smile. However, Kageyama Tobio wasn't convinced. If you looked closely, you saw his eyes tear up and his smile break like glass. 

Karasuno's team first thought it was better not to make a big deal about it, but Tobio had disagreed. He had already noticed something off before, though he couldn't exactly pinpoint what. He was good at pinpointing a volleyball at a spiker, but not when it came to actual people's feelings. He wasn't good with humans and their entire range of emotions at all, so Tobio didn't need to feel guilty about it. But it did bug him. The first time he noticed something was wrong, was during their first training camp. 

Hinata had made a big fuss about everything that happened, yet somehow kept himself in the shadows once everyone was involved in some sort of activity. He wouldn't chatter away like always and he appeared tired, his stamina drained. Tobio didn't understand. He didn't understand why Hinata would avoid him like that. 

They weren't really friends, but neither were they enemies. They were just acquainted? He didn't quite know the answer, but he did know when something was wrong. Tobio could see when someone was crying for help, he wasn't an idiot. Not as much as Hinata anyway. So Tobio had seen, when Hinata dashed away with a  _ “It's nothing!” _ , he had seen how those eyes screamed for help. The eyes of someone who really needed help. 

So that was why Tobio had disagreed with staying out of Hinata's business, but in order to keep appearances, he decided to play along with the team. It wasn't like he had thought out a plan or anything, but he did keep a closer eye on the middle blocker. He payed a little bit more attention to Hinata's movements in the hope to understand what on earth was going on. He may be bad with humans and he may not understand what was wrong, but he did want to help. He wanted to help Hinata and Tobio didn't care whatever the reason was. 

物語

“Hinata-kun is acting a kind of off, isn't he?” Yachi stated the obvious fact as she handed Tobio a towel. He had noticed how her eyes would often dart towards the redhead in the corner of the gym. He knew she was concerned as well. 

“I know.” was all he answered and he took the towel gratefully, “I tried to figure out, but he ain't coming to his senses. He won't even look me straight in the eye.”

He wiped his face clean. The towel was soft and fluffy, comforting. Tobio wanted twenty and then throw them all at Hinata. It seemed like a great plan, but his seniors probably wouldn't let him throw twenty soft towels. To valuable, probably. He could already hear them talking. 

Yachi hummed, “I asked him if he wanted to sit down an hour ago, but he changed the subject just like that as if I had never said anything to him.” complained she, “I'm getting a little annoyed by it too… I just wanna help, not kill him. What if he's acting like that because he dislikes me?! What if he doesn't like me at all?”

Tobio grinned, “You're overreacting, Yachi-san.” he said with a friendly smile, although he didn't quite remember what smiling was like. He didn't smile as often as Hinata, but he was sure his smiles were more honest than Hinata's. 

“I'm worried though…” she continued, “Even if it's not my fault, his behavior is still worrisome.”

Tobio stood up and fetched a volleyball from the ground, “I know.” he said, “The seniors are worried too, but they don't really want to do anything about it. They told me to stay out of Hinata's personal life and not to put him under pressure. Although I don't quite remember when I did.”

The blonde manager frowned, “Ah, they also noticed?” it was hard not to, “If they say so… they're older than us so they should know more about that.”

“I tried helping him though,” Tobio interrupted her and he waved back at Hinata as the latter did so. 

“You… did…?” Yachi suddenly remembered the early morning, when Kageyama had waited in the clubroom for Hinata to arrive. She had offered to stay behind as well, but the setter had said that she could go with the rest. He'd always be the first one to meet Hinata at any day and he'd always make sure the spiker was content. It made sense to her now. No matter how much the odd-ball-duo tried to deny it, their relationship was amazing. Yachi was a kind of jealous. 

“A-ah, give me your towel!” she sputtered and she quickly pulled the towel away from Tobio, “Sawamura-san want's to start again!” and Yachi hastily skipped back the the sidelines of the court, back to where Shimizu-san was waiting for her. 

The blonde manager sat down on the floor and pulled the cap from a water bottle, “The team is doing quite well, today.” she muttered, “Despite Hinata-kun's actions.” 

Shimizu nodded, “Yeah, but's sad to see it go like this. I'd rather have Hinata playing happily again too.” and she was right, but everyone probably thought the same thing. It wasn't the same when Hinata was forced to sit on the sidelines, wanting to play but unable to smile. 

“It's such a shame.” Yachi pondered,  “I'd love to see him in action again.” and she took a sip of her drink. 

Shimizu nodded, “Hmhm… It must be awful to sit out and watch your team play while you want to play just as badly.”

“Or at least feel like you're doing something u–” Yachi was about to add  _ useful _ , but didn't get to it. Before she could even finish her sentence, the said boy suddenly jumped up. He hid his face in his hands and rushed out of the gym, only to bump into the doorpost first. 

Yachi blinked, “Hinata-kun!” she shouted, “Hinata!”

Behind her, Sawamura said some unclear words to Sugawara and the rest of the team. He probably told them not to go after Hinata so the latter could cool his head down, but Kageyama hadn't agreed. Instead of listening, he dashed away after the decoy. 

“Kageyama!” Sugawara shouted in vain, “You should leave him alone! He needs time!”

But both Kageyama and Yachi knew that that was the last thing Hinata needed. Sometimes, comfort could be fine.

物語

_ Scream. Scream as loud as you want. It's not like anyone will hear you, right? It's not like anyone will turn around and help you, right? You should scream as loud as possible.  _

Shōyō dried his face with a fluffy, white towel. He stared at his own reflection in the mirror, second time today. Somehow, he didn't look as terrible as before… or maybe it was just his mind playing tricks on him. At least he would be able to act like nothing was wrong when he had to face the captain. He wondered is they had started to notice, that something was off. 

Because that was what he wanted, right? He wanted to be heard by his teammates, right? He wanted them to notice how depressed he was. How desperate he was looking for help, but he didn't want them to find out. What would they do when they found out? Would they find him pathetic? Would they laugh at him? He knew they wouldn't, and yet his mind kept telling him they would. 

_ They don't give a shit. _

They do. 

_ No they don't. It's just you, making it up.  _

I'm making y–

“Hinata!” a voice cut through the air, the voice of Kageyama Tobio, “Hinata!” 

The redhead looked up and wiped the remaining tears from his face, pretending it was just water from the sink, “What's wrong, Kageyama?” and his voice cracked at the last syllable. Dammit. 

“Just wanted to check upon you.” Kageyama mumbled, cheeks tinted red. 

Shōyō smiled, “I'm fine.”

_ Liar. _

“Are you sure?” Kageyama asked and he leaned forward, “You really don't look like you're OK.” 

_ Fuck Kageyama and his sharp eyes. Wait, let's not fuck him.  _

Thank you, brain. 

“No, no…” Shōyō answered and he waved Kageyama's worried out of the door, or he hoped so, “I'm fine… you're worrying 'bout nothing.” he picked his handkerchief out of pocket and dried his hands, “Go to practice, the rest will miss you.” 

“But we're missing you too.” Kageyama answered bluntly, without thinking at all. His word choice was so… so different from all the other things he had ever said. Shōyō was impressed how he could just say things like that like it was nothing. How on earth…  _ probably because it meant nothing _ . 

He wanted to throw up. 

“I'll be back!” and Shōyō pushed him out of the door, “I'll be back, don't worry too much about me. I'll be fine!” he assured the ravenhead, but he had never felt so terrible for lying. 

Ah, he really wanted to throw up. Perhaps even punch the mirror. 

He didn't do it though and just put the towel back on its place before he followed behind Kageyama, back to the gym he didn't want to go to. He didn't want to see Sawamura or Sugawara, but well, if he skipped, they'd question him. They didn't need to know what was going on. They didn't need to worry and they didn't need to do stuff for him. Shōyō hated it. He hated every single second of his life. 

So he just sat down at the sidelines again, far away from his team but close enough not to raise any more submission. He got a few worried glances from Sugawara and Yamaguchi, heck, he even felt Tsukishima's gaze stinging in his back. It was annoying, but he didn't gave it any thought. 

It didn't quite matter. He didn't quite matter. Nobody cared and nobody ever would. Even if they did. 

物語

He glanced down to his feet and stared at his hands, they were blurry, and he couldn't read the sign of the convenience store just now. Odd. He sniffed and glanced up at the sky. It was snowing. He felt it all over his body, the snow. Thick, white snowflakes twirled down from heaven and melted as soon as they touched his skin. It was nice. It was night, and a single poppy flower bloomed. The scene was awfully familiar.

Suddenly, a strong wind from the east. Snow flared up into his eyes, and when he opened them, there was a man standing in the front of him. He looked familiar with his red hair and brown eyes. He looked familiar in the green coat he was wearing. He looked familiar in those pants and in those shoes. Ah, he realized it already, it was his father. 

Another strong wind, but this time it came from the south-west and he closed his eyes to protect them for flying dust. When he opened his eyes again, his father was running ahead of him. He followed him, but the man ran to fast. He panted as he tried to catch up with his father. Sweat dripped from his face, pricking in his eyes and making his clothes stick to his body. He realized he was wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. It wasn't cold though, despite running barefeeted through the snow, he was hot instead. 

A lightning-bolt and thunder. he froze on spot. Running was impossible, his feet refused to move. The clouds were gone and it stopped snowing as the sun started to raise from the East, but as soon as the sun touched the sky, heaven coloured crimson red. His father, was gone, and it was dark again. 

A black cat with the bluest eyes was sitting at the corner of the street, meowing. When he blinked, it was gone. Instead of the cat, was now a small boy sitting in the front of him. A small boy with thin shoulders and red hair. He was dressed in a blue coat and brown pants. His boots were muddy and to big for his tiny feet. he knew this boy, but he didn't recognize his face. He had seen him often enough to know who he was.

It was him and the younger version was screaming in terror, but his voice made no sound. Perhaps because it was drowned in the sound of the railway crossing bells, or perhaps because his ears had finally failed him. Yet he could hear it loud and clear. The sound of a train approaching. 

The boy, the boy who was him, suddenly had a voice. 

He, the one who was standing next to the child, suddenly understood what was going to happen. When he looked up, he saw his father standing on the railway crossing. The train was approaching. The train was coming closer and closer. The train was there. Closer.

Despair, pain, terror, and panic. He felt the familiar sensation flow through his body as the familiar scene played again. He knew what was going to happen. 

The image flashed from besides the tracks, to on the tracks. He was standing next to the man, his father, facing the approaching train. It was coming closer, closer and closer. It was already here. He closed his eyes, ready to be hit, ready to finally die. But just when the fatal blow was delivered, the scene flashed again. 

He was standing next to the track again, next to the boy, the boy who was him. 

“Papa!” the boy, the boy who was him, shouted, “Papa!”

Together they watched. Together they saw and together they witnessed the scene that haunted Shōyō forever. Blood covered our clothes. Their father was dead. 

“PAPA!”

And for the first time in his life, Shōyō understood. He would never be able to change fate, even if he tried as hard as he did. His father would not come back, and he finally realized that.

物語

Shōyō jerked up with a scream. A mixture of sweat and tears dripped down his cheeks and his breathing was out of pace. Oh god, he was going to die, wasn't he? He was really dy–

He quickly let his eyes scan the room, afraid he woke someone. He hadn't, to his surprise. Everyone was sound asleep, except for him. Well, that was one problem less. Now he only had to fix that other thing. Himself. 

_ Fucking damnit.  _

Again. Again he had that awful recap. Again. Again. Again. 

Shōyō pulled his duvet away and panted, loud. He wasn't getting any air. He was captured in a aquarium with only water and every time he tried to breath in, he could feel his body going numb. He was going to faint. He was going to die. Oh god. Oh god. 

Shōyō stumbled up without making too much noise, but it wasn't like he tried to keep silent. He just needed to get away and he didn't care how loud it happened. He needed get out of this stuffy room to a place with actual air, because there wasn't any inside. He needed to get outside. He needed  _ air. _

He made it towards the hallway without waking anyone and he quickly pulled open a window, letting the fresh evening breeze on his face. It was soothing, calming and way better than all the comfort other people had offered him up until now. It wasn't as if they didn't get what was going on, but they just didn't know how to deal with it. That was fine, but annoying. 

Shōyō tried to remember how he got into this building, with his entire team… He remembered practice and sitting out and he did remember the food that he had eaten last evening, but his memories were all shards. Nothing was a whole piece, but the evening had been fun, he was sure of that. He even played cards with the others. 

It made him forget a little. It made him forget about his father. About that terrible scene and it even let his mind of Kageyama. 

Yes. Kageyama Tobio. 

The younger, but taller boy had been bothering Shōyō for a while now and he was losing his patience. He simply didn't understand why Kageyama had been so worried about him. Nobody really worried about him. Most people only liked him because of his smile and easygoing behavior, so since when did anyone care? Since when did Kageyama start to care. 

_ Perhaps he has to because of your seniors.  _

Yeah, that could be it. Most likely. 

_ If he hadn't been ordered, he wouldn't have done it. You know how insensitive he is.  _

Yeah… but he still liked to believe that it was all on Kageyama's own accord. Because that's what he wanted, wasn't it? He wanted people to care about him. He wanted someone to give a shit about his feelings. He didn't want to be dismissed or ignored. He wanted someone to hold on to, but he knew he never could. 

Shōyō's mind drifted off to his father. He remembered the man clearly, just not his face. His father always  had been a dull one, shutting himself away from the world and he had a lot of fight with Mako, his mom. The little Shōyō couldn't care less, too young to understand the language adults spoke, but now… The Shōyō from now cared a lot, because he finally understood what his father felt. Probably then, depression. 

“You're gonna catch a cold like this.” a voice spoke suddenly. 

Shōyō jumped and turned around carefully. Kageyama was standing behind him, his hair in a horrible bed head and eyes half opened. The setter was holding what Shōyō assumed to be a pink sweater in the dimmed light. All the more he was shocked when Kageyama threw the hoodie at him. 

“Put it on, dumbass.” it was an order, but it didn't sound like one. More like a kind request actually. 

Shōyō didn't flinch and the hoodie dropped on the ground, “What's wrong?” he asked stif. 

“I'm worried.” was the only thing Kageyama said and he fetched the hoodie from the  ground, “I told you that before.”

Yeah, he did.

Shōyō took the hoodie and pulled it over his head. It was indeed pink, an awful shade of pink on top of that. He already knew Kageyama had no sense of fashion at all, but this sweater was at a whole different level. 

He chuckled, “You really don't have taste, now do you?”

Kageyama flushed red, “Shuddup!” he breathed, “Don't avoid the issue!”

Oh yeah, “Why are you worried?” the only words he had uttered this week without thinking. He didn't want to ask that question and he probably never would if the situation had been different. He didn't want people to worry about him. He wasn't pathetic, but they probably thought that. 

“You're weird.”

Shōyō was startled. What kind of answer was that, “You're weird saying that.” 

“Not my point.”

Yeah, he figured. 

“You're different from normal lately.” Kageyama continued, “Something is bothering you and you're not gonna convince me there' not. 'Cuz I know.”

Shōyō didn't respond. Since when had Kageyama had become such a nice guy? He never knew what to think of their relationship, to far apart to be friends, but to close to be just partners in volleyball. It was something he couldn't describe… 

“Look, if you don't want to say anything, it's fine by me.” Kageyama said and he turned his gaze to Shōyō, “I don't know what you feel, but I do know you need help. So p-please, come and get it.”

Shōyō shook his head. This was to much… way to much. 

_ Why? Why? Why? WHy? WHY? _ his mind chanted over and over again, so he decided to listen to it. 

“Why?” he asked, “Why are you doing this?”  _ are you going to hurt me? _

Kageyama didn't answer immediately and stared out of the window, to the stars and the moon, “I don't know.” he answered honestly. 

Shōyō smiled. Then it was alright. He was alright, for now. He was glad he met Kageyama in the hallway, he really did need someone to talk to and it felt surprisingly good. Maybe he should have done it earlier. 

“Let's go back before the others notice.” Shōyō finally said, “I'm tired.”

Kageyama frowned, “Alright.”

They walked back in silence. 

“What were you doing in the hallway anyway? Shōyō asked. 

“Bathroom.” answered Kageyama, “And you?”

Shōyō shrugged, “A nightmare.”

物語

Tobio stopped breathing for a second as realization sunk in. Damn the cruel world. Damn his whole fucking life. Tobio understood what was wrong. He finally got it. He finally tied all those loose ends together and found an answer– such an obvious and logical answer. Why hadn't he noticed before? Hinata's eyes had turned dull  and his cheerfulness was nothing but an act. The scream in the night… Hinata had nightmares more frightening than Tobio would ever have them. Hinata Shōyō was depressed. 

Wounds needed time to heal, but the little spiker kept falling over and over again, opening the wound. He just needed someone to lean on. Kageyama had decided he was going to be that someone. 


	3. Chapter III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The long-awaited third chapter! I'm sorry for the delay... I've been quite busy at school since this is my final year of high school and all. But here it is, the third and final chapter!

_ “I have never been good at lying, not ever. Yet, somehow, I don't know whether I'm faking this whole mood or not. I've been trying to pretend for so long that everything is fine, that it just became reality? Am I really fine? Or what if I'm making all of this up, this whole depression, all just for attention? What if these tears are just fake? What if, what if? What if I just knew.” _

物語

Tobio blinked and gazed down to his breakfast, a simple bowl of rice together with some fried bacon and eggs. Hinata was the only one who hadn't joined them in the dinner hall yet and he was taking an awful long time in the bathroom. Probably fixing himself up to look at least a bit decent, Tobio figured. 

Memories of last night were still vivid in his mind, but he'd rather forget them and lock them away in a far corner of his memory. It was the first time in his life Tobio had been scared of something other than his parents. No, Tobio had been frightened. Hinata's hollow and lifeless eyes were the scariest thing he had ever seen and he couldn't the words to explain  _ why _ . Nothing had managed to top his father's shouts and mother's screams before, yet there was Hinata. Why had he been so scared of the redhead? After they had left the hallway for their futons, Tobio hadn't uttered a single word to his spiker. He couldn't bring himself to, not after what he had figured out. 

Tobio took a sip of his tea. He was probably the only one who figured out Hinata's secret. Then again, probably, judging how the others acted around Hinata. Sugawara and Sawamura probably suspected something, they were the team's foundation after all. They had to know, Tobio found, and he died to tell his seniors about his discovery. 

But he couldn't do it. What if Hinata didn't want his secret to get out? What if Hinata didn't want  _ him _ to know? Tobio wanted to tell the rest, tell everyone so they could help Hinata, but that was probably a bad idea. He couldn't quite understand what Hinata felt, he would never understand so just go and act without permission seemed off limits. 

“Are ya gonna eat that?” Nishinoya's voice jerked him up out of his thoughts, “Or can I have it?” and the small libro ogled the still filed bowl of rice in the front of Tobio. 

Tobio glanced up, “No.” he answered bluntly and he quickly took his chopsticks in the hand, “No, I'm gonna eat that.”

“Alright, alright…” Nishinoya threw up his hands defensively, “I'm already gone.” he shrugged and walked away, probably trying to steal seconds at Azumane. 

It was silent at the dining table so without Hinata and atmosphere was heavy. It wasn't like Hinata talked a lot all the time, but everyone appeared to talk more when he was present. It was as if everyone was silently acknowledging something, the fact that things were going worse and worse with Hinata and by the time Tobio had finished his own breakfast, the doors opened. Hinata finally entered the dining hall. He looked worse than usual, Tobio noticed. While there were no dark circles under his eyes and although his eyes had a certain sparkle, there was something about it Tobio didn't trust. It was fake. It was awfully fake. 

“Ah, Hinata-kun!” Yachi chirped from behind the counter, “Want some eggs and rice?” she asked. 

Hinata looked up, somewhat fazed by Yachi's sudden attack and before he could respond to her, she had already pushed a bowl of rice with eggs and bacon in his hands. 

“T-thank you, Yachi-san!” he replied in an attempt to sound like usual. It was a good attempt. 

Yachi smiled cheerfully, apparently not picking up that it was all an act, “Don't worry about it! You can get refills whenever you want, you have to eat well if you're going to play today!.” 

Hinata smiled back at her, somewhat politely, and then turned towards an empty seat. Although he ate in complete silence, there was a happy smile on his face and the chatters from the other team members had suddenly increased. 

“He's looking better, isn't he?” Yachi sighed, “Thank goodness, he'll be able to participate with you again. I'm glad.”

“Yeah.” Tobio answered absent minded. 

_ Well, probably not. _ Hinata was probably not going to participate like 'normal' until everything was settled and solved, with the team and especially himself. If Hinata were to play today, it wouldn't be at his full potential and nobody would know. Because nobody did notice so before, not even Tobio. 

物語

It was just as Yachi had said, Hinata participated again in practice. He was energetic again and played like he used to do before. The atmosphere around Karasuno had changed too, it was less stressed and less heavy. Before, it felt like Tobio could dug out the air if he tried hard enough. It was a nice change, but it still felt like something was missing. 

The redhead appeared to be more aloof and distant. He didn't warm up to anyone and he kept his jaw clenched tight when someone tried to ask him why he had been acting so odd earlier. Everyone shook it off and pretended to act like it was nothing, Tobio had the strong feeling they were also denying the big elephant in the room. Afterall, he was too. 

It wasn't like he was really trying to pretend  _ it _ didn't exist. Hinata truly acted like nothing was wrong to the point Tobio wasn't quite sure if it was all an act or not. Because how on earth could anyone smile like that? How could someone talk and laugh like that while they cried their eyes out yesterday? Tobio had no idea. Perhaps yesterday was all just a dream? Perhaps it had never happened at all and perhaps he was just going crazy.    
Tobio had to admit, going crazy sounded much better than Hinata having a depression. 

So perhaps, so perhaps he was going to let it slip. So perhaps he was just going to close his eyes like everyone else in Karasuno. Tobio knew Hinata wanted to do the same thing. Their seniors probably suspected something though. 

“Great receive, Hinata!” Tanaka punched the boy softly on the shoulder, “Great to have you back in business. After all, it can't be Karasuno without our own Little Giant!”

Hinata giggled and shyly brushed his fingers through his own hair, “I'm far from being like the Little Giant…” he smiled, “Sorry about yesterday though, I just felt bad.”

“Don't mind, don't mind!” Tanaka laughed. 

Sugawara dropped the volleyball to his waist and turned around, “You sure you feel alright now?” and he raised his eyebrows at them, “If you need something, you can always come to us, you know.”

It was just as Tobio had though, his seniors did suspect something. 

Hinata shook his head and sat down on the bench to tie his shoes again, “Nah, I'm fine.” he said, “I'm fine now…” that last sentence was so soft, so, so soft that Tobio wasn't sure if had heard it right. Was his imagination really running wild? Was yesterday really just a dream?

Sugawara shrugged and pulled the collar of his sweatshirt, letting some air in, “Sure…” he muttered.

Tobio frowned at that. Were Sugawara and he the only two in the entire gym who knew what was up? 

“Oh, Kageyama?”

Tobio hummed. 

“Can I speak to you later? I've got something I want to talk about  with you.”

“Sure.”

物語

After the second half of practice, just a close ten minutes before dinner, Tobio pulled a random hoodie (the pink one he had lent to Hinata earlier) and hurried outside. Sugawara had said that he'd wait just outside of the gymnasium so that they could talk in private. 

“Kageyama!” the older one waved enthusiastically as soon as he spotted Tobio, “That's fast!”

His lips curled into a slight smile, “Yeah… what did you want to talk about, Sugawara-san?”

Suddenly, Sugawara appeared to doubt himself. His eyes adverted to the ground and his fingers curled nervously around the fabric of his shorts. Tobio could even hear him swallow. 

“Ah… uhm…” he began, “I don't know where to start.”

Tobio didn't know either. 

Sugawara looked up again, but to the sky this time. He had stopped playing with his shorts and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He still looked like he doubted something or someone, “No, just something about yesterday…”

“Yesterday?”

Sugawara blinked and licked his lips, “Yeah, yesterday.”

“What about yesterday?”

They both knew what he was supposed to talk about, Hinata. And it was clear Sugawara didn't actually want to talk about it, probably afraid he was going to break a barrier as well. Tobio knew the feeling. 

“Just tell about yesterday…”  

So he did, not that there was much to talk about, but he did. Sugawara would always respond, but somewhat empty. They talked about how rough training had been, how good the food was and how beautiful the weather had been these past few days, but they both ignored the elephant in the room. 

“So what did you really want to talk about, Sugawara-san?” Tobio finally decided to break the ice. Constantly avoiding the real matter wasn't going to help them and he knew all too well where this conversation was heading. 

Sugawara took a deep breath and looked up at the sky, to the sun, “About Hinata…” came out in a whisper. 

Tobio had figured as much. He might not be great at reading people, but he certainly knew when something was up. 

“What about him?” he asked. 

The vice-captain cracked a smile, a painful one, and said: “Don't tell me you haven't noticed. Hinata has been acting off all week. No, even more… I don't know how long exactly, perhaps it started before we even met him. But today he acted like everything was fine, like nothing actually happened. I'm worried.” 

Tobio just nodded, not wanting to interrupt. Besides, it wasn't like his words were actually going to help. 

“I tried talking to Daichi, but he just said Hinata needed time. And I'm not saying Daichi's wrong, because I do think Hinata needs time, but what if we give him too much of it? What are the possibilities it ends up in the wrong direction?!” 

There was panic in Sugawara's eyes, but the rest of his face was composed and calm as ever. Tobio understood what he was talking about, but indeed, to much time could end it for the worse. 

“I saw Hinata's tights today,” Sugawara suddenly continued in a very low voice, as if nobody was allowed to hear him speak. Not even Tobio, “and his upper arms… I don't know if you've noticed too, but I did. Thin white lines.”

_ Scars. _

“No.”

_ Selfharm. _

“Goddamnit!”

_ No, no, no, nononono! _

This couldn't be true, it wasn't supposed to be true. This was bad, very bad. What if Hina–  _ No _ . Tobio forced himself to stop thinking about the worse-case scenario. That couldn't be, Hinata would never do such a thing. Not now and not ever. Nobody should think about _ such  _ things. 

But how well did Tobio know Hinata?

Sugawara opened his mouth, “I'm really worried and I don't know what to do, but you don't really know what to do either I guess.”

Tobio nodded, “I don't know.” he said. 

Of course he had no idea what to do. If he did, he would already have taken action, but this matter was just to conflicting and just too dangerous. One misser and it could go so, so wrong. And that was the last thing they wanted. 

“I'm going to ask Takeda-sensei, he might know something,” Sugawara continued, “I'll let you know when we can do something, or when we know something.” and with that, the older setter turned around and made his way to the lodge they were staying at. 

Yeah, maybe a teacher knew what to do, Tobio thought. It was their job to look after children anyway. 

物語

_ Sometimes you just bleed, as a reminder that you are in fact alive.   _

物語

After dinner, Tobio quickly slid into a loose shirt and baggy sweatpants before he sat down on his futon. He was goddamn tired and not just from the tough training regime of Ukai. He was starting to realize how hard it was to keep a secret, Hinata's secret in this case. Keeping everyone cropped up in his body like that was utterly exhausting. It was probably how Hinata felt, Tobio thought, and he couldn't tell anyone. Tobio wanted to shout about it to everyone, tell everyone to shut up and open their eyes for once. Because, couldn't they see what was happening?! 

“Oi, Ryuu!” Nishinoya shouted at the top of his lungs, eyes flickering with energy. 

It never ceased to amaze Tobio, were on earth Nishinoya got all that energy from. 

“Get your ass over here!” Nishinoya said, “You promised me I'd get your bag of chips!”

The Libero rose up from his futon and strolled over to Tanaka, brows furrowed together in an angry and daring gaze. The kind of gaze he usually had when he was about to challenge someone. 

Tanaka shoot a confused look, apparently not having heard what Nishinoya had said before, “What's wrong, Noya-san?” he asked as he looked up to meet his friend's eyes. 

“You know what I'm talking about!” 

“No I don't!” laughed Tanaka. 

Suddenly, Nishinoya jumped onto Tanaka and they were all over the floor, rolling from futon to futon. There were playful hits and kicks as the two rolled around and also tons of laughter. Sugawara humored them and let them be and then put his hand on Sawamura's shoulder. 

“Let them be and please don't murder anyone.” were his words because Sawamura indeed looked like he was going to kill something or someone. Probably someone. Probably Nishinoya and Tanaka or the first person in his reach. 

Tsukishima wasn't amused either. He put on his headset and sat down on his futon, trying to relax even if it was just a tiny bit, when suddenly Nishinoya was practically thrown on his futon by Tanaka. Tsukishima was hit and his cell phone dropped on the floor with force. 

“Sorry!” Nishinoya said, but it didn't sound like he meant it. 

“Fuckers!” Tsukishima hissed, “Go play somewhere else. Not here. Some people are actually trying to get some rest.”

While he never meant those words as a threat but more of a suggestion, he still made it sound that way. 

“Y-yes sir…” the idiot duo strolled away, back to their futons. Tobio doubted that they would listen to Tsukishima. No matter how scary the latter was, Nishinoya and Tanaka weren't the kind of people who'd do what they were asked. But the entire team was like that. 

Suddenly, a yelp, stumbling and a loud thud of someone hitting the ground at full force. 

Tanaka laughed, “Great job, Noya-san!”

“Shuddup, Ryuu!” was the answer. 

Nishinoya lay sprawled out on the floor, between the entire of what Tobio recognized to be the content of Hinata's bag. Shattered all across the floor lay clothes, a toothbrush, a cellphone with a volleyball phone strap, a tube of toothpaste, crumbs, homework, and a transparent orange container with white pills. A pillbox. Tobio recognized that container everywhere. His cousin from Hokkaido had the same. 

His eyes widened, and it felt like someone had poured ice cold water of his head. He felt everything freeze. Those pills, those… those were antidepressants. And it was as if someone slapped him right across the jaw.

_ Antidepressants.  _

_ Hinata.  _

_ Hinata Shōyō. _

_ Antidepressants. _

That couldn't be right. It was all a mistake, a misunderstanding. 

Just to confirm his doubts, Tobio slowly stood up and walked towards the mess. It was too silent in the room, everyone must have been holding their breaths. And the air was cold too, but Tobio was pretty sure that that wasn't because of the open windows. 

“Are those…?” Sugawara said, not feeling the need to finish. 

Tobio nodded as he picked the bottle from the floor, but he said no words. The team was smart enough to figure out what was going on. They already knew what was going on, they knew all along, but they didn't say anything. They just pretended…? Tobio wanted to punch someone, but most of all, he wanted to punch himself. 

Suddenly, the door bursted open and everyone jolted. Hinata fucking Shōyō was standing in the doorway. A towel around his shoulder and his hair a bouncy mess like usual. But his eyes were puffy and red. 

“Sorry I–” he broke off his sentence as soon as he noticed the silence inside, “What's goin' on?” 

Sugawara licked his lips, but said nothing. Neither did Daichi, or anyone else. It killed Tobio. 

It probably killed Hinata more. 

“Hinata…?” Sugawara licked his lips again as he slowly reached for Hinata, “...are those…?” 

Hinata kept his jaw clenched tight and his eyes scanned the room. 

Nobody said something. 

Tobio wanted to say something, but he didn't. He never did anything when it came down to his friends, was Hinata really his friend? It probably didn't matter on this occasion. All that mattered was that Hinata would be OK. Maybe not today, but maybe some other time. 

物語

“Hinata?” Sugawara was licking his lips and had the most nervous face ever. So had the rest of the team. It was a mix of pity, worry, but especially pity. Of course they'd pity Shōyō, of course they'd pity him if they found out. He knew it would happen, and here he was, being looked down on. 

_ Like always.  _

Like always. 

Shōyō bit his lower lip. There were two ways he could go about this. Turn around and run, or wait and watch them look down on him. Of course the latter option required the mental stability he didn't have, so the choice was made fast. He decided to run. Run while the world around him was crumbling. 

Before anyone could react, Shōyō was on his feet running away from the room. He practically jumped from the stairs–almost from the top–and ran towards the gym. He needed to get away, he needed air. The gym seemed like the only place where he could get it. Air. Air. AIR. 

Why on earth did  _ they _ ruin it?

Why on earth did  _ they _ have to find the pills?

Why on earth did  _ they  _ have to destroy it?

They destroyed everything he worked so hard on. It had taken him years to create an act like the one he was performing. Years to make others think he was completely fine. It took so much time and so much effort. And where was it now? Destroyed. Thanks to  _ them _ . 

But that didn't seem right. 

“Hinata!” that was definitely Sawamura, “Stay inside!”

No way he was going to stay inside. No way. He would suffocate if he stayed inside. 

“Wait up!” oh, that was Kageyama. 

Why did they care? Why was anyone caring at all. They weren't supposed to. 

Maybe he should stop running. 

“Hinata!” Kageyama shouted again, “For fuck's sake, Stop!” 

Shōyō listened, and stopped. And  _ breathed.  _

_ When will I get to rest? _

物語

“Let's just go inside.” was what Sawamura had offered, “It's getting cold.”

So they dragged Shōyō back inside, towards the diner. They put him down at one of the tables and gave him a mug with steaming tea. He honestly didn't know what to say in this situation, so he just stayed silent like the rest. It was hard to talk, and not only because of the subject. Everyone had gathered around him and it felt suffocating. He didn't want to chase them out either, they were  _ friends  _ after all. 

It was Sawamura who broke the silence, “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, pretending to be composed, “If you don't it's fine too… we can even send some away if you want.” and he gestured towards the group around them. 

“We understand if you're uncomfortable… so please tell us what we need to do.” Sugawara didn't even try. 

Shōyō shrugged. Now he was supposed to speak. People always expected something from him, positive or negative, he didn't like it either way. Honestly, he just wanted to lay down and sleep for the next decade. Kageyama wouldn't let him. 

He might as well throw it all out. He had nothing to lose anymore. 

“It's my dad.” he said. It was all he said. 

People kept looking at him, waiting for more. 

“He was suicidal.” he added, “Don't know why, but mum told me something happened when he was a kid. Sometimes he'd be fine. Sometimes he wouldn't. And one day he took me out for a walk when I was nine.”

He stopped to breath, even though he wasn't out of breathe. 

“He took me to the nearest railway crossing, told me to wait and–”

This time he did stop because he was out of breathe. The air was suffocating him, just like the memories. Still so vivid. Still there… still alive… no, dead. His father was dead. 

He coughed, “–and–”

The tears dripped down his face, to his chin and then on the ground. 

“You don't need to talk, you know.” Yamaguchi said, softly and kind, “You only need to talk when you think you need.”

“I'm fine,” Shōyō muttered, although his voice was clearly fucked up, “I'm fine. I wanna do this.”

He certainly didn't want to do this, but he did it anyway. 

“Alright…” Yamaguchi sat back down on his chair, not convinced at all like the rest of them. 

Shōyō took a deep breath, “He stood there on the railway… w-when a t-train c-came-came…” his voice chattered, “H-he didn't… he didn't jump away.”

It was dead silent by now. Shōyō blinked his tears away and looked at the faces across the table. Most of them drawn with horror, Azumane looked at him with pity in his eyes. Shōyō hated pity. 

“Fuck…” Tsukishima whispered, his eyebrows knit together in an angry frown. He looked more angry than anyone. 

“Hinata…” Suga began, but Shōyō shook his head and wiped the tears from his cheeks. Not that it worked, they kept running anyway. 

“Police was p-pretty s-sure it was just… just a spur of the m-mind. Hadn't p-planned-planned it, but it p-probably c-clicked when the bells s-started to ring.” talking was hard. 

物語

Tobio closed his eyes and breathed out the breathe he didn't know he was holding until he actually let it go. It was worse than he had imagined. Well, it already had been terrible. Hinata wasn't the person who was supposed to have it. It should never have happened to the decoy. It was unfair, but that was just the way things were and Tobio knew all about it. 

Hinata continued talking. His voice was seriously cracked up, and most words came out in a chocked-up way, but he talked and Tobio was happy with just that, although it didn't make much sense to him. But nothing really did. 

“Volleyball was actually the thing that saved me… volleyball and my family.” 

Nobody answered on that either. Tobio saw Sugawara lick his lips over and over again, and Sawamura looked like he could punch a wall. Tsukishima would gladly accompany, probably. The look on his face was the worst of everyone in the room. 

It was Sawamura who finally broke the silence, doing his job as captain, but also the team's most reliable person. 

“T-thanks for sharing… sharing your story with us.” he said, awkwardly, “It helps you know.” and he made a hand gesture towards the window that made no sense at all, “It helps to know what's bothering you.”

Sugawara smiled and nodded, but his face was sour, “We didn't really know what to do, you know?”

Hinata nodded. 

“I want to help.” the vice-captain continued, “We all want to help you, because we're not sure what to do. But we'll help, because we want to help you.”

Tanaka nodded, “We want to help you!” and he flung an arm around Nishinoya and Hinata. 

The  _ want _ thing, was an important thing for Hinata, Tobio realized. He  _ wanted _ to help too. 

Tobio sighed and looked down at the trio and his eyes crossed Hinata's. When was the last time he saw that shine in those brown eyes? God, he didn't quite remember, but it was good to see it again. It was refreshing and Tobio breathed out. Relieved. 

Hinata smiled, so Tobio smiled back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this story. It was really something that I needed to get out of my system. This chapter isn't edited yet, I might when I have the time. For now, you'll have to do it with this.   
> Anyway, you may or may not have noticed that this story became part of the series. The next part of the series will focus on Tobio most of all. I came to the conclusion he's got a very interesting background nobody talks about, so I decided to write it out. Although I don't think it will happen before the end of May, it will happen eventually.   
> Once again, thank you so much for staying with me. I hope you all enjoyed the emotional ride.


End file.
